A Tool for Sibling Conflict Resolution with Young Children

There is so much I want to share about this journey called parenting. But I thought it would be helpful to start with a little tool. I have learned, however, there is a danger in relying so much on tools that there is a lack of freedom and empowerment to be led by the Spirit. I think of this as a tool in my toolbox and I give the Lord full permission to move it aside. 

Sometimes as a parent we end up putting on the "referee hat". Someone took a toy, a child was too rough, the list goes on and on. I believe this is one of the largest sources of energy drain for parents. They feel the need to police every sin, solve the problems, and set the children straight. A lot of the time, that is being done against the child's will. The parent is exhausted, the problem seems solved, but no hearts were changed in the process and relationships are violated. I started to think about what I really wanted my children to learn in those situations. It's most often not the time for formative instruction. The time for teaching them a biblical worldview and instructing them is not always when faces are red and agitations high!   The children are at their worst and in their highest emotional state, not good soil for planting seeds. Sometimes the opportunity will come soon after the resolution, but you can be sensitive to the Lord on that.

Some of my goals in conflict resolution are that my children will:
- take ownership of and responsibility for their problems
- grow in compassion, sympathy and empathy
- respond and restore the relationships

I want to give my children the language they need to navigate through solving problems, correcting in love, and releasing those that offend them. 

THE MEETING

One tool that we have started using is called a "meeting". I think this guided approach is appropriate for young children maybe through elementary school. Only having children 5 and under, I can't speak from experience for the older ages. The children and I have come to understand that as a family, when someone wants a meeting, we give it to them out of love. This has taken a little time and encouragement and is at a very high percentage of willingness now. Unless of course, you are trying to use this tool while on the phone with a friend who wants to listen in, then it doesn't go smoothly..it's real life! ; )  Sometimes a child may elect to "take a break" and calm down first. The meeting is nonthreatening, gentle, and effective. It is not used as a threat nor is it a scarey place to go. However, there is an understanding that if you are the wrong doer, you will probably not be able to continue your wrong behavior in good conscience.That may create some resistance in the child which is why they must have a biblical worldview about relationships within the family. We are a family, we love each other, we go to the "meeting" when called because we care about each others hearts and feelings. 

If one child feels wronged or hurt by another they can chose to have the meeting with or without me. My children are 3 and 5 so my presence is often helpful. They request a meeting and we find a comfy place to sit and cuddle. The rule is that each person has to answer the questions. That includes the one calling the meeting. I make sure to ask the questions with a gentle and calm tone (sometimes Mommy's need to take a break before the meeting!) to make sure I honor the children and have the goal of restoration and not punishment. Here are the questions:

1. What did you do wrong?
2. Why was it wrong?
3. What could you have done differently?
4. What are you going to do about it?*

*In other words,  "how will you make it right?" or "how will you show love to them?"

If one person answers question # 1 with "nothing". They then must ask the other child for confirmation. If in fact there is nothing for #1 it moves to the next child. That opens the opportunity for everything to be out on the table. Often things are two-sided. Usually the one who calls the meeting goes first...it gives them a chance to remove any "logs" from their own eye! 9/10 times they joyfully give the toy back, ask for forgiveness, give hugs and kisses for hitting, etc.They entered the meeting angry and left ready to have fun and play again. Usually when we get to the question "why was it wrong", you can see the change in their heart as they explain what they observed about how the other person felt and/or what the Bible says about their actions.I also make sure if someone was hurt that the offender helps takes care of the hurt child. This may mean holding an ice pack (they usually ask for this even if it's not needed...just for dramatic effect!), rubbing their back, getting them a drink and praying for them. They sit with them and learn to comfort them. Then when everyone's better, they go back to playing.

(There may be times that these questions are helpful for you to use approaching a child one on one about issues and also helpful if the offense is against the parent. )

I have seen so much fruit from this tool in my children. They have begun to recognize their own sin, take responsibility for what they have done, and most importantly, they are more sympathetic with each other. I have observed them seeing the hurt and sadness they have caused and gently and sweetly making it right without Mommy's help. 

If a child runs to me to tell on another child. My first question to them is "did you talk to them about it?" If they say "no" we talk together about what will be the best way to handle it. That is the time they can request a meeting if they want one.  Otherwise, they have learned how to simply walk over to the other child and say "When you did that it hurt my feelings and made me sad". That opens up the opportunity for the other child to repent and make it right. I have seen this in action and it is such a beautiful picture of how Jesus wants us to solve conflicts with others.

Their minds are now connecting to their hearts. They are learning that their actions will affect others and are given a chance to "make things right". This takes away the shame, guilt, and condemnation. When I tell them what is wrong, why it's wrong, and what they should do in that moment, I am the one doing more of the learning. I am also trying to control them against their will in many instances. The meeting allows the child to engage their will and learn from the experience.This doesn't mean I am silent on what happened, it just means it's not time for a long lecture..I think you can get the point I'm making there : ) It also changes the relationship from parent against perpetrator (child) and puts you on the same team. Parent + Child against the problem. You won't need meetings all the time, but when the conflict arises, it is helpful.

Now you as the parent have the chance to take patterns of sin you see from these experiences and instruct them in the Lord when they are not in the middle of high emotion and conflict.. I hope this encourages you and will be one more little tool in your tool box that is helpful!


--edit--
Right after I wrote this I had a fresh example!

Tobin stole the ball from Nora. Nora cried and whimpered "I want a meeting". I asked Tobin to pick a comfy spot. He picked a spot as he said "I'm not giving it back!" I asked what Nora did wrong. She said "nothing". I asked Tobin if that was correct and Tobin said she did nothing. I asked Tobin what he did wrong: "I took the ball from Nora". I asked him why that was wrong: "She had the ball and it made her sad when I took it." I asked him what he could have done instead" Find my own ball or wait my turn." So I asked him what he was going to do about it. He said, "Give it back". He handed her the ball, apologized and they hugged.  Tobin then proceeded to find another ball and join Nora as they played nicely together with their two balls for the rest of that time period. It took less than a minute and was no sweat on my part!

There is so much I want to share about this journey called parenting. But I thought it would be helpful to start with a little tool. I have learned, however, there is a danger in relying so much on tools that there is a lack of freedom and empowerment to be led by the Spirit. I think of this as a tool in my toolbox and I give the Lord full permission to move it aside. 

Sometimes as a parent we end up putting on the "referee hat". Someone took a toy, a child was too rough, the list goes on and on. I believe this is one of the largest sources of energy drain for parents. They feel the need to police every sin, solve the problems, and set the children straight. A lot of the time, that is being done against the child's will. The parent is exhausted, the problem seems solved, but no hearts were changed in the process and relationships are violated. I started to think about what I really wanted my children to learn in those situations. It's most often not the time for formative instruction. The time for teaching them a biblical worldview and instructing them is not always when faces are red and agitations high!   The children are at their worst and in their highest emotional state, not good soil for planting seeds. Sometimes the opportunity will come soon after the resolution, but you can be sensitive to the Lord on that.

Some of my goals in conflict resolution are that my children will:
- take ownership of and responsibility for their problems
- grow in compassion, sympathy and empathy
- respond and restore the relationships

I want to give my children the language they need to navigate through solving problems, correcting in love, and releasing those that offend them. 

THE MEETING

One tool that we have started using is called a "meeting". I think this guided approach is appropriate for young children maybe through elementary school. Only having children 5 and under, I can't speak from experience for the older ages. The children and I have come to understand that as a family, when someone wants a meeting, we give it to them out of love. This has taken a little time and encouragement and is at a very high percentage of willingness now. Unless of course, you are trying to use this tool while on the phone with a friend who wants to listen in, then it doesn't go smoothly..it's real life! ; )  Sometimes a child may elect to "take a break" and calm down first. The meeting is nonthreatening, gentle, and effective. It is not used as a threat nor is it a scarey place to go. However, there is an understanding that if you are the wrong doer, you will probably not be able to continue your wrong behavior in good conscience.That may create some resistance in the child which is why they must have a biblical worldview about relationships within the family. We are a family, we love each other, we go to the "meeting" when called because we care about each others hearts and feelings. 

If one child feels wronged or hurt by another they can chose to have the meeting with or without me. My children are 3 and 5 so my presence is often helpful. They request a meeting and we find a comfy place to sit and cuddle. The rule is that each person has to answer the questions. That includes the one calling the meeting. I make sure to ask the questions with a gentle and calm tone (sometimes Mommy's need to take a break before the meeting!) to make sure I honor the children and have the goal of restoration and not punishment. Here are the questions:

1. What did you do wrong?
2. Why was it wrong?
3. What could you have done differently?
4. What are you going to do about it?*

*In other words,  "how will you make it right?" or "how will you show love to them?"

If one person answers question # 1 with "nothing". They then must ask the other child for confirmation. If in fact there is nothing for #1 it moves to the next child. That opens the opportunity for everything to be out on the table. Often things are two-sided. Usually the one who calls the meeting goes first...it gives them a chance to remove any "logs" from their own eye! 9/10 times they joyfully give the toy back, ask for forgiveness, give hugs and kisses for hitting, etc.They entered the meeting angry and left ready to have fun and play again. Usually when we get to the question "why was it wrong", you can see the change in their heart as they explain what they observed about how the other person felt and/or what the Bible says about their actions.I also make sure if someone was hurt that the offender helps takes care of the hurt child. This may mean holding an ice pack (they usually ask for this even if it's not needed...just for dramatic effect!), rubbing their back, getting them a drink and praying for them. They sit with them and learn to comfort them. Then when everyone's better, they go back to playing.

(There may be times that these questions are helpful for you to use approaching a child one on one about issues and also helpful if the offense is against the parent. )

I have seen so much fruit from this tool in my children. They have begun to recognize their own sin, take responsibility for what they have done, and most importantly, they are more sympathetic with each other. I have observed them seeing the hurt and sadness they have caused and gently and sweetly making it right without Mommy's help. 

If a child runs to me to tell on another child. My first question to them is "did you talk to them about it?" If they say "no" we talk together about what will be the best way to handle it. That is the time they can request a meeting if they want one.  Otherwise, they have learned how to simply walk over to the other child and say "When you did that it hurt my feelings and made me sad". That opens up the opportunity for the other child to repent and make it right. I have seen this in action and it is such a beautiful picture of how Jesus wants us to solve conflicts with others.

Their minds are now connecting to their hearts. They are learning that their actions will affect others and are given a chance to "make things right". This takes away the shame, guilt, and condemnation. When I tell them what is wrong, why it's wrong, and what they should do in that moment, I am the one doing more of the learning. I am also trying to control them against their will in many instances. The meeting allows the child to engage their will and learn from the experience.This doesn't mean I am silent on what happened, it just means it's not time for a long lecture..I think you can get the point I'm making there : ) It also changes the relationship from parent against perpetrator (child) and puts you on the same team. Parent + Child against the problem. You won't need meetings all the time, but when the conflict arises, it is helpful.

Now you as the parent have the chance to take patterns of sin you see from these experiences and instruct them in the Lord when they are not in the middle of high emotion and conflict.. I hope this encourages you and will be one more little tool in your tool box that is helpful!


--edit--
Right after I wrote this I had a fresh example!

Tobin stole the ball from Nora. Nora cried and whimpered "I want a meeting". I asked Tobin to pick a comfy spot. He picked a spot as he said "I'm not giving it back!" I asked what Nora did wrong. She said "nothing". I asked Tobin if that was correct and Tobin said she did nothing. I asked Tobin what he did wrong: "I took the ball from Nora". I asked him why that was wrong: "She had the ball and it made her sad when I took it." I asked him what he could have done instead" Find my own ball or wait my turn." So I asked him what he was going to do about it. He said, "Give it back". He handed her the ball, apologized and they hugged.  Tobin then proceeded to find another ball and join Nora as they played nicely together with their two balls for the rest of that time period. It took less than a minute and was no sweat on my part!